We Need To Talk
by Silenthunder
Summary: The Jellicles have captured a Sue author, and they want to give her an unforgettable lesson. Ideas are very much appreciated.
1. Satisfaction Demanded

The fanfiction writer drifted out of the silence to the sound of voices above her.

"When will she wake up?"

"Any minute now."

"I hope so. She has some explaining to do."

She kept her eyes closed for a minute, trying to come to her senses. Then she slowly and cautiously opened them.

A pair of brown eyes filled her vision, glaring. She jerked back with a start, only to find herself sitting in a chair, her hands tied to the armrests with...light blue electrical bands? She gazed at them in wonder, only to be pulled out of her shock by a voice she was sure she'd heard somewhere.

"Good evening, Ms. Writer."

Looking up, she could see no one in the midnight-darkness. The eyes had suddenly disappeared. "Who are you?" she said nervously.

"Oh, I believe you know us."

Then she noticed all the different-colored lights glowing from everywhere in the gloom before her. As her vision adjusted, she realized they were not lights, but other pairs of eyes. Cat Eyes.

As she gaped disbelievingly, the forms she knew all too well materialized out of the gloom, forming a large circle around the chair. She noticed, however, that the Jellicles did not look like their usual, happy, ordinary selves. They all were visibly upset, bristling.

She now saw that the one who had spoken had been Munkustrap. The Tribe Guardian stepped forward, continuing. "We are creatures who demand satisfaction: an explanation for your crimes."

"What have I done?" she asked, common sense telling her this was no dream and she shouldn't play love-struck.

"Wot 'ave ya done?" another tom exclaimed. The writer didn't even need to search to know it was Mungojerrie. "All ya 'orrible writers 'ave made the 'Cats' archive disgraceful, that's wot!"

The Cats nodded in agreement. The writer shivered. "Mercy, please," she whispered.

"Why?" a queen hissed. The writer could barely make out the sleek body of Cassandra nearby, almost one with the night because of her fur color. "Why should we give you mercy, you who gave none to us?"

The writer could find no answer, still dumbstruck at the suddenness of her situation.

"We have brought you here," Munkustrap said, "because of what you have done to our section of Fanfiction. You are here because of something called Mary-Sues."

"OCs?"

Tumblebrutus sighed in annoyance. "Not Original Characters. Mary-Sues. Although you often make OCs into them."

"The original, beautiful, _perfect_ characters you make," Demeter explained. "They're either thrust into our world or born as Jellicles."

"They're always better singers than me!" Jemima called, stepping forward with a glare.

"And better dancers than me!" Victoria continued.

"And they're hotter than me!" came Bombalurina's interjection. The Red Queen's face was creased with injured pride. "I'm the only Mary-Sue the Tribe can have, human. No queen is more attractive than me!"

"They have more magic power than me," Mistoffelees said, his face devoid of his usual cute, innocent grin that attracted so many fangirls.

"And me!" came another voice. The writer's eyes widened as ginger-furred Macavity dropped out of the air. Oddly enough, no one raised the alarm. Macavity came to stand by the other magical Cat, glaring daggers at the writer. "Mistoffelees and I may disagree on who is the better Conjurer, but we definitely don't like having our abilities reduced to nothing because of Mary-Sues!"

A deep, attractive voice came from the crowd. "But we're leaving out quite a lot."

"Good point, Tugger. Why don't we discuss the other problems?" Jellylorum suggested.

Alonzo, who was nearby, grinned wickedly. "That sounds like a _wonderful_ idea."

**AN: That's it so far. What do you think? Should I continue? If so, give me all the Mary-Sue-CATS stuff you can dish out. Just rant.**


	2. Lessons with Electra

The writer trembled. "What – what are you going to do to me?"

"Well," Macavity sighed, "even though I desperately wanted to shred you to pieces, Dad said no."

"Instead," Old Deuteronomy continued, "the majority of the Tribe decided that you would learn Cats 101: The Basics. You will learn a few things – if you cooperate." He gave her a look which said things would turn out very badly if she didn't.

"I'll cooperate," she replied timidly. "Just please don't hurt me."

"Don't worry. You are a learner, and therefore will not be harmed. Mistoffelees, release her."

The tuxedo-patterned tom stepped forward and raised his paws which had their claws unsheathed. He made a swiping motion in the air, and the bonds disappeared with a loud snapping sound. The writer massaged her arms gratefully. "Thank you."

Mistoffelees nodded before stepping back into the crowd. Another figure came to the front, but the writer didn't recognize this Cat.

"Electra will be your guide for the Basics," Old Deuteronomy said.

The human looked at the tortoiseshell in surprise. Electra? The minor character? The quiet one who stayed in the background and almost never did anything noticeable?

Electra's blue eyes met hers, and the kitten gave a small smile, as if she had guessed her thoughts. "I may be quiet, but I watch and I listen."

The writer's face turned red in embarrassment. "I – I'm sorry."

"It's alright. What's your name, by the way?"

"Rachel."

"Well, Rachel, please follow me."

Rachel followed Electra as the crowd dispersed and the Cats went their separate ways. As they walked, Rachel was taken aback by the size of the Junkyard, which was much, much bigger than she had ever imagined. Tunnels of junk and pipes branched off in almost random places, leading to who knew where. The area that the Musical took place in seemed to only be one section, perhaps the center of it all. She was delighted at the familiarity of the scene – the tire, the pipe, and so on. It was hard to believe she was seeing the actual Junkyard.

"Hey, are you listening?"

A waving paw before her eyes brought her back to reality, and she startled. "Oh, sorry."

She and the kitten sat down before the feline spoke again. "Now, before we get to your latest character in your latest fanfic, I have a few questions to ask you."

Something about the first part of that sentence sounded like Electra was less than pleased with Rachel's character, which puzzled her, but she decided to ignore it for now. "Sure."

"What do you think we Jellicles do?"

Rachel stared at her blankly. "You have the Jellicle Ball and celebrate the yearly ascension to the Heaviside Layer?"

"That's once a year. What do we do the rest of the time?"

"I don't know. The Musical never says."

Electra shook her head sadly. "We do actually have lives outside of what the Musical shows. So many fanfics written by new fans are simply rehashes of the Musical, down to the last detail and lyric. That's not only plagiarism; it's boring as well. I could bet you a hundred mouse-tails that most fans have already seen the show, either live or by the film. They have to if they want to understand the Musical. Do they really need a retelling of what they already know?"

"I guess not."

"Of course not. So, why not try writing about our lives when we don't have the Ball? The songs alone should give plenty of ideas if you comb through them.

"Second, do you think outsiders are accepted so easily into the Tribe?"

"Uh, no?"

"No, they aren't. We may be friendly, but we will not accept total strangers just like that. A stranger could be anything from a lazy housecat to a spy for Macavity. We have to be on our guard. And even if it's a kitten that gets healed or saved from certain death, just because we help them does not mean we are going to bring them into the Tribe just like that. In any story with an outsider being accepted by a group, they will always have to be initiated with a cost. Joining a group will have consequences to take into consideration: mostly how the newbie's life will change, how their schedule will change, how their priorities will change. In short, once you join the Tribe, you swear your loyalty and life to us. You are not allowed to do whatever you like, because you have a leader and guardians and families watching you. So you can't hog the spotlight or have your pick of a tom without consequences. And the initiation must be challenging. You can't reduce it to having her being accepted with a simple wave of the paw. She must prove herself. And even if you can pull it off without her having to prove herself, like I said, what she gets into must be challenging."

"Third, what would you think if a random human male walked up to you, declared their undying love, and endlessly fawned over you without any solid explanation?"

She shuddered. "That would be weird. And creepy."

"Right. So when you make a character and want to have them be in a relationship with any of the Tribe members, they are _not_ going to fall instantly in love together. Relationships need to develop over time." She locked eyes with Rachel. "Even if he or she is the author's favorite cat. You must take into account the painful fact that that tom or queen may not like the OC.

"And by the way, that is _not_ a go-signal for angsting. Cats are going to get pretty fed up if all the OC does is mope and whine about how nobody loves her, and so on. It's not that everybody will hate her (unless she makes herself a nuisance), but everyone isn't going to treat her like the Everlasting Cat, either. Trust me, if you actually make an OC realistic, there _are_ going to be members of the Tribe who don't like her. And that's not just going to be certain cats you don't like. It could be anyone, depending on what faults you give her."

Rachel was starting to feel uncomfortable. She had made a character similar to what Electra was describing. "But Angel had a right to be sad! She was Macavity's daughter!"

"Number one: Angel is a name that screams Mary-Sue, even if we do know the term 'angelical.' Saying that Angel had humans who called her that might give a good reason, but you made Angel Macavity's daughter, _and Macavity is evil_! Do you really think he's going to name his daughter after something so pure and good?

"Second, Victoria and Mistoffelees are Macavity's children, and that's only based on fan speculation. Maybe he _could_ have another daughter, but do you really think the Tribe would trust her so easily? I mean, only your favorite Cats – the ones which are, to you humans, all the major characters – liked her. Besides them, half of the others pitied her all the time, and the other half hated her. It's never going to be that clean-cut. Remember what I said before.

"Third, if Macavity actually has a daughter, there's no way he's going to let his daughter become good. You did point that out in your story, and yet Angel still was kind and gracious and merciful. It would make more sense if she had inherited her father's morals and run with those, becoming evil like him."

"But then she couldn't have been accepted into the Tribe!"

"Exactly! And that's another really great point: Not every OC has to be a Tribe cat! Remember, the show takes place presumably in the 1980's, in London. Who knows what kinds of cats live in the alleyways and houses? You could have a queen who sells secrets to two enemies warring against each other, or a pirate cat like Growltiger. Just because there aren't any other cats in the Musical besides the Tribe Cats doesn't mean they don't exist. You could write about a house cat living its daily life in London, one who's never heard of the Tribe but might have a brush or two with them before forgetting about it. That way it's still a CATS story because there's a mention, if nothing else, about us."

"But she had magical powers!"

Electra sighed. "Come on," she said to the human. "I think we should talk to Mistoffelees."

**AN: Constructive criticism and further ideas are appreciated. I think I might need a beta as well. Would anyone be willing to take the job? It would mostly involve the normal stuff along with brainstorming topics for Rachel to learn about.**


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